The reality of living in-between.
So many thoughts. Yet I don't know how much is words and how much is simply emotion that cannot be processed at this point.
The past week teemed with possibility...and sometimes I failed to see it. I am finally settling into a position where I can sit and feel loved by those who have remained faithfully my friend, but then as soon as I think everything can be "normal," a memory pops up or a conversation travels down a path I don't want to be familiar with anymore. There have been times in my life when that meant crying; this week, it has simply been moments of intense pain followed by hours of joy.
After a year of getting hurt over and over followed by a year of healing that collided with depression, anxiety, and more hurt, this summer prepared me to accept a new reality: the reality of living in-between. Yes, I am often open with people about my journey through the past two years of college. But rarely do I willingly share the story of the nights I felt absolutely alone because I refused to see Jesus standing right in front of me. Camp helped me to be more ready to share.
They say we have Mountaintop experiences and Valley of the Shadow experiences. But what happens when you are stumbling along the edge of the valley, trying to climb the mountain? I came back to school feeling apprehensive about where junior year would take me, but determined to actually try.
They say communication is the key to a healthy relationship. But what happens when you go from avoiding your Best Friend and talking with people to talking with your Best Friend and avoiding people? For the first few days back at Northwestern, I wallowed in my mixed emotions and drew circles and squiggly lines in the ashes of my brokenness. The brokenness Jesus had been building into beauty all summer.
The end of spring semester was when I became fully broken. The conversation with a mentor in a van on the day before leaving for camp was what helped me realize how broken I really had become. Sobbing in the barn, surrounded by irritating chickens and blowing my nose into a plastic garbage sack, I finally cried out to Jesus and said, "God, I can't do this anymore." Shivering in Jess's arms next to a dark campfire mere days later, that brokenness took the form of anxiety and later morphed into ugly passive aggressive behavior. Because of that passive aggression, I learned how to say, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." I left camp feeling apprehensive about where junior year would take me. But I also climbed into a van in late August determined to actually try.
Tonight I sat and listened as my former roommate shared her story...the story I had a part in last year. The realization of how much we have both grown came rushing into my brain and as we sang the final few songs, I couldn't always voice the words. Talking with a dear friend afterwards, I finally nearly cried and grew closer to mourning the gaping hole that last year left in my heart. It was at that point that I knew the reality of living in-between.
"It's your junior year. It's okay to be in the place where you have found your people and you stick with them. They can be your home...even if they aren't always right there. We aren't going anywhere, not forever. We might not be next door, but we also aren't leaving you."
And so here I am. Still drawing circles and squiggly lines in the ashes of my brokenness, but finally coming closer to seeing the beauty I know is waiting for me when the fog clears. The day that I learn how to live in-between with peace will be the day that I can talk with my Best Friend while soaking in the love of my friends...at the same time. That day has not yet come.
But I know it is coming. Soon.
Prayer...that's clearly something I need this week, but here are some specifics. The TENTS project is about to explode, and that's a reality I haven't quite grasped yet. Please please please continue to completely cover our endeavor in your constant prayers. This is so much bigger than our small group of college students.
There is so much sickness on our campus right now. It needs to go away. Schedules are finally getting figured out, but that also means people are busier and more stressed.
The song of the post is from one of my all-time favorite bands ever to exist. Blood and Water: Feeling Better "Feeling Better" by Blood and Water quite clearly captures the tangled thoughts in my head. (Sorry you can't just listen to the song right here...limited places to find the song and it wouldn't post directly in the text like it usually does.)
God loves me, and God's love is enough.
The past week teemed with possibility...and sometimes I failed to see it. I am finally settling into a position where I can sit and feel loved by those who have remained faithfully my friend, but then as soon as I think everything can be "normal," a memory pops up or a conversation travels down a path I don't want to be familiar with anymore. There have been times in my life when that meant crying; this week, it has simply been moments of intense pain followed by hours of joy.
After a year of getting hurt over and over followed by a year of healing that collided with depression, anxiety, and more hurt, this summer prepared me to accept a new reality: the reality of living in-between. Yes, I am often open with people about my journey through the past two years of college. But rarely do I willingly share the story of the nights I felt absolutely alone because I refused to see Jesus standing right in front of me. Camp helped me to be more ready to share.
They say we have Mountaintop experiences and Valley of the Shadow experiences. But what happens when you are stumbling along the edge of the valley, trying to climb the mountain? I came back to school feeling apprehensive about where junior year would take me, but determined to actually try.
They say communication is the key to a healthy relationship. But what happens when you go from avoiding your Best Friend and talking with people to talking with your Best Friend and avoiding people? For the first few days back at Northwestern, I wallowed in my mixed emotions and drew circles and squiggly lines in the ashes of my brokenness. The brokenness Jesus had been building into beauty all summer.
The end of spring semester was when I became fully broken. The conversation with a mentor in a van on the day before leaving for camp was what helped me realize how broken I really had become. Sobbing in the barn, surrounded by irritating chickens and blowing my nose into a plastic garbage sack, I finally cried out to Jesus and said, "God, I can't do this anymore." Shivering in Jess's arms next to a dark campfire mere days later, that brokenness took the form of anxiety and later morphed into ugly passive aggressive behavior. Because of that passive aggression, I learned how to say, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." I left camp feeling apprehensive about where junior year would take me. But I also climbed into a van in late August determined to actually try.
Tonight I sat and listened as my former roommate shared her story...the story I had a part in last year. The realization of how much we have both grown came rushing into my brain and as we sang the final few songs, I couldn't always voice the words. Talking with a dear friend afterwards, I finally nearly cried and grew closer to mourning the gaping hole that last year left in my heart. It was at that point that I knew the reality of living in-between.
"It's your junior year. It's okay to be in the place where you have found your people and you stick with them. They can be your home...even if they aren't always right there. We aren't going anywhere, not forever. We might not be next door, but we also aren't leaving you."
And so here I am. Still drawing circles and squiggly lines in the ashes of my brokenness, but finally coming closer to seeing the beauty I know is waiting for me when the fog clears. The day that I learn how to live in-between with peace will be the day that I can talk with my Best Friend while soaking in the love of my friends...at the same time. That day has not yet come.
But I know it is coming. Soon.
Prayer...that's clearly something I need this week, but here are some specifics. The TENTS project is about to explode, and that's a reality I haven't quite grasped yet. Please please please continue to completely cover our endeavor in your constant prayers. This is so much bigger than our small group of college students.
There is so much sickness on our campus right now. It needs to go away. Schedules are finally getting figured out, but that also means people are busier and more stressed.
The song of the post is from one of my all-time favorite bands ever to exist. Blood and Water: Feeling Better "Feeling Better" by Blood and Water quite clearly captures the tangled thoughts in my head. (Sorry you can't just listen to the song right here...limited places to find the song and it wouldn't post directly in the text like it usually does.)
God loves me, and God's love is enough.
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