When darkness and story collide.
Well, well. Week One of Summer 2014 is complete and everyone is still alive. This is a marvelous thing.
It was a difficult week but a good one. I pushed myself a bit too far on Monday, and Lake Day happened on Tuesday--uncharacteristic for Haven, but there was supposed to be poor weather on Wednesday and Thursday. My motivation to work slipped a bit on Wednesday, mainly due to wearing myself out in the two prior days. My fellow staff members held me up when I stumbled in exhaustion, though. For that, I am grateful.
There were times this week when I felt as if I was sinking again, which threw me back to the nights during second semester when I wanted to hide under the futon...and then did. In this situation, however, I had a different friend who held on to me when I felt alone. It was a blessing to have support in the very darkest point of this week. As the days crawled by at a strangely rapid pace, my friends reached out and steadied me when I began to lose my balance. Sometimes we even made Tourette's jokes in the dish room. God has changed me so much.
Following that train of thought, I told part of my story to a bunch of 5th and 6th graders during campfire on Wednesday night. One of the junior staff had asked me on Monday if I would do it on Wednesday, and I said yes with a bit of dread in the pit of my stomach because I had no idea which part of my story to tell. During my journalling/quiet time on Tuesday night, I remembered my multiple conversations with Brianne about being a child of the King--especially during the nights when we stayed up talking about my Tourette's. She constantly reminded me that I could not find my identity in my disorder because my identity should be found in Who I belong to.
With that floating around in my head, I went through the next day feeling increasingly nervous. Talking about Tourette's tends to do that to my brain. When the time came to actually speak, I stood a few yards from the campfire until they announced me because the tics were trying to suck my energy away. Then, by the light of the campfire and with the sounds of a few whispering campers and with the sight of more than 70 pairs of eyes staring at me, I explained why finding identity as a child of the King is so much more freeing than finding it in being a girl with Tourette's or a 20 year-old college student. There were times when I fought the emotions that threatened to take over...but in the end, I walked away and sat on the edge of the circle while they sang Sanctuary--a tradition that soothes my soul no matter how often it is practiced.
So what is the theme for this past week? I'm learning to come back to leaning on Jesus. Sometimes it didn't work out as well. But at the end of every dark place came a moment when I would stand in the dish room alone and mumble the words to "Calm Down, Everything Is Fine" and stretch my aching back in time to the beating of my aching heart.
While I was sitting in a local cafe with some camp family at lunch today, it hit me: I am surrounded by people who love me in ways that I haven't been able to find at any other place on earth. Not even my college family has seen me at the point of exhaustion that some of my fellow staff members have...and that is okay. This camp is called Haven on the Rock because it is a safe haven for all people, not just campers. I am floored by the servant hearts of the entire staff here--and that motivates me to love more fully, more selflessly, more constantly.
I am closing this week's post with yet another Mike Mains and the Branches song--this time, the one that I mentioned earlier. During some of the most difficult moments of second semester, I would walk across campus mumbling the words to this song. And nearly every time I can barely stand existence, this song pops into my head yet again.
On a personal note, please be praying for my foot this week. I jammed my left big toe while playing soccer on Friday night, and it is causing far more foot pain than I would prefer. God is the Great Healer (hm, someone I respect a great deal told me that years ago) and I believe He will work through this injury with me, but in the meantime, I would like to be able to actually function at the normal speed during our second camp week.
God loves me, and God's love is enough.
It was a difficult week but a good one. I pushed myself a bit too far on Monday, and Lake Day happened on Tuesday--uncharacteristic for Haven, but there was supposed to be poor weather on Wednesday and Thursday. My motivation to work slipped a bit on Wednesday, mainly due to wearing myself out in the two prior days. My fellow staff members held me up when I stumbled in exhaustion, though. For that, I am grateful.
There were times this week when I felt as if I was sinking again, which threw me back to the nights during second semester when I wanted to hide under the futon...and then did. In this situation, however, I had a different friend who held on to me when I felt alone. It was a blessing to have support in the very darkest point of this week. As the days crawled by at a strangely rapid pace, my friends reached out and steadied me when I began to lose my balance. Sometimes we even made Tourette's jokes in the dish room. God has changed me so much.
Following that train of thought, I told part of my story to a bunch of 5th and 6th graders during campfire on Wednesday night. One of the junior staff had asked me on Monday if I would do it on Wednesday, and I said yes with a bit of dread in the pit of my stomach because I had no idea which part of my story to tell. During my journalling/quiet time on Tuesday night, I remembered my multiple conversations with Brianne about being a child of the King--especially during the nights when we stayed up talking about my Tourette's. She constantly reminded me that I could not find my identity in my disorder because my identity should be found in Who I belong to.
With that floating around in my head, I went through the next day feeling increasingly nervous. Talking about Tourette's tends to do that to my brain. When the time came to actually speak, I stood a few yards from the campfire until they announced me because the tics were trying to suck my energy away. Then, by the light of the campfire and with the sounds of a few whispering campers and with the sight of more than 70 pairs of eyes staring at me, I explained why finding identity as a child of the King is so much more freeing than finding it in being a girl with Tourette's or a 20 year-old college student. There were times when I fought the emotions that threatened to take over...but in the end, I walked away and sat on the edge of the circle while they sang Sanctuary--a tradition that soothes my soul no matter how often it is practiced.
So what is the theme for this past week? I'm learning to come back to leaning on Jesus. Sometimes it didn't work out as well. But at the end of every dark place came a moment when I would stand in the dish room alone and mumble the words to "Calm Down, Everything Is Fine" and stretch my aching back in time to the beating of my aching heart.
While I was sitting in a local cafe with some camp family at lunch today, it hit me: I am surrounded by people who love me in ways that I haven't been able to find at any other place on earth. Not even my college family has seen me at the point of exhaustion that some of my fellow staff members have...and that is okay. This camp is called Haven on the Rock because it is a safe haven for all people, not just campers. I am floored by the servant hearts of the entire staff here--and that motivates me to love more fully, more selflessly, more constantly.
On a personal note, please be praying for my foot this week. I jammed my left big toe while playing soccer on Friday night, and it is causing far more foot pain than I would prefer. God is the Great Healer (hm, someone I respect a great deal told me that years ago) and I believe He will work through this injury with me, but in the meantime, I would like to be able to actually function at the normal speed during our second camp week.
God loves me, and God's love is enough.
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