Only 2 days left in my first year at Northwestern. Just reading those words back to myself makes the ache in my throat grow more pronounced. My brain is screaming for me to deny the truth; my heart is trembling with a nervous tension that continues to build. I've been repeatedly on the verge of tears without success for days now. I think a part of me is still convinced that crying will make it all better.
I am so ready to leave the tension I have experienced this semester, but I am so not ready to leave college life for a summer. The longer I am here, the more obvious it is to me that I am right where God wants me.
I'm excited to room with Brianne next year; living on 3S instead of 3N will be a change of pace that I suspect is coming just in time. I know I promised myself a few months ago that I wouldn't post about certain things, but I've gotta be blunt: this semester has been absolutely awful and I am ready for a fresh start.
I danced--like, actually moved my body in ways that made me feel awkward--with fifty-some people on the Steggy Green tonight. I still can't believe I was willing to do it, but I will admit that it was fun. I'm not planning on a repeat performance anytime soon, however. :)
My theology was thoroughly examined this semester, and I can honestly say that I came out of that class with even stronger convictions than I came to college with. Admittedly, there is quite a bit of bitter baggage to drop off at the door when I go home, but at least I know what I don't believe in as well. I made it--I made it through two semesters of Calvinist theology-based teaching of the Bible without any previous experience to fall back on. Not everyone will find that impressive, but let me tell you: I was mighty frustrated and confused a few different times recently. Ask me about it sometime...but only if you want the long version. :)
I have made so many good friendships this semester (and year). Part of the reason why I want fall semester to arrive soon is that I want to spend more time with those people. God makes so many wonderful human beings; I have met a great number of them this year.
So yes, I am still not ready. On one hand, I want to curl up in a ball and bawl my eyes out. On the other hand, I can't seem to do so and I am not sure if it would help anyway. We will see where God takes me this summer--besides to a good deal of graduation parties and a lot of much-needed sibling bonding time.
God loves me, and God's love is enough.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Applying the Fruits
I went on a spiritual solitude retreat yesterday morning with a few people from campus. It was wonderfully restful and refreshing, but I just wanted to talk about a few things that I got out of it.
First of all, I have been wrestling with a very personal question for a while, and spending several hours in solitude guided me towards the answer. I am not there yet, but the combination of that and talking with a friend about it last night really helped clear up some anxieties in my mind. God is good.
Second, I have been looking for healing from the heart-wrenching experience that I went through earlier in the semester, and God showed me ways that He is going to give me that healing. It will not be an easy process, nor will it be a fast one. But my Father is here and He will be with me every step of the way, holding me close for as long as I permit Him to be that near.
Third, I made a discovery while journaling my thoughts and prayers. I saw a picture on the wall that listed the Fruits of the Spirit and stared at it for a few seconds, thinking. I knew that there was a good reason why I couldn't look away. Finally I realized that, in applying these attributes to your relationships, following them in the order that they are listed in the passage (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control) will change your life. Explanation:
By loving everyone, you are treating them as Christ would treat them.
This brings unexplainable joy, followed by peace that surpasses all understanding.
When a relationship is not going the way that you would like (or even if it is), practicing patience with that person and showing them kindness will hopefully trigger reciprocated grace.
Goodness to others walks hand in hand with faithfulness, especially when the relationship is rocky or crumbling away.
No matter what the other person's behavior tends to be, gentleness breaks down walls and presents you as a caring individual who wants to be Jesus to others.
If the relationship is improved by these attributes, self control should be exercised in order to avoid awkward , painful situations.
The best part about this application is that it can also be applied to a friendship that has failed. As I walked myself through all of the Fruits in my relationship that is now dead, I discovered that I could finally find healing if I really desired it. Peace, faithfulness, and self control are probably the three most difficult to apply in my specific scenario, but self control especially will very much aid me in preventing a repeat of what has occurred in the past few months.
I hope all of this makes sense to you. It is hard to describe how excited I was (and am) to know this truth. Through my Jesus, I have been made absolutely new, and I will live in that freedom and find healing for my deep wounds. My God is able.
First of all, I have been wrestling with a very personal question for a while, and spending several hours in solitude guided me towards the answer. I am not there yet, but the combination of that and talking with a friend about it last night really helped clear up some anxieties in my mind. God is good.
Second, I have been looking for healing from the heart-wrenching experience that I went through earlier in the semester, and God showed me ways that He is going to give me that healing. It will not be an easy process, nor will it be a fast one. But my Father is here and He will be with me every step of the way, holding me close for as long as I permit Him to be that near.
Third, I made a discovery while journaling my thoughts and prayers. I saw a picture on the wall that listed the Fruits of the Spirit and stared at it for a few seconds, thinking. I knew that there was a good reason why I couldn't look away. Finally I realized that, in applying these attributes to your relationships, following them in the order that they are listed in the passage (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control) will change your life. Explanation:
By loving everyone, you are treating them as Christ would treat them.
This brings unexplainable joy, followed by peace that surpasses all understanding.
When a relationship is not going the way that you would like (or even if it is), practicing patience with that person and showing them kindness will hopefully trigger reciprocated grace.
Goodness to others walks hand in hand with faithfulness, especially when the relationship is rocky or crumbling away.
No matter what the other person's behavior tends to be, gentleness breaks down walls and presents you as a caring individual who wants to be Jesus to others.
If the relationship is improved by these attributes, self control should be exercised in order to avoid awkward , painful situations.
The best part about this application is that it can also be applied to a friendship that has failed. As I walked myself through all of the Fruits in my relationship that is now dead, I discovered that I could finally find healing if I really desired it. Peace, faithfulness, and self control are probably the three most difficult to apply in my specific scenario, but self control especially will very much aid me in preventing a repeat of what has occurred in the past few months.
I hope all of this makes sense to you. It is hard to describe how excited I was (and am) to know this truth. Through my Jesus, I have been made absolutely new, and I will live in that freedom and find healing for my deep wounds. My God is able.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Smile When You Say That...
Oh blast it...the culmination of my deepest thoughts always comes sometime after 1 AM. Ah well, hopefully it will make sense.
Since the first month of school, there has been a growing dissatisfaction in my heart with the approach towards worship and the fellowship of believers (aka "The Church") that I have witnessed my classmates taking. Growing up, worship was viewed as giving glory and honor to God--whether through singing, ministering to others, praying, giving of tithes and offerings, etc. I haven't seen that modeled differently here, but the view of singing is different here. I was raised on a mixture of up-beat, occasionally cheesy worship songs; slow, contemplative ballads with normally-deeper lyrics; the rest of it was somewhere in between. I hated a couple of the over-played ones, but for the most part I loved it all.
The first full week at Northwestern was a bit of a jolt for me musically, to be honest. In the 9 months I have been here, I don't think we have sung more than a total of 20 up-beat songs in chapel and P&W combined. I'm not saying that I have a problem with that, but I do have a question or three regarding this style of praise and worship.
#1: What makes the slower songs more preferable to the worship leaders here (if it isn't for the feel-good moments that their lyrics and emotion are sure to bring)?
#2: Why is it that the more up-beat songs have been labeled "doctrinally-unsound" or "fake" more often than the slower ones (at least that is what I have been told)?
#3: Why the heck do we always have to be thoughtful and focus on Christ's sacrifice? I'm not trying to make what He did on the cross seem unimportant, but for Pete's sake--He's alive! We have been set free! Why aren't we shouting that from the rooftops like the cheesy lyrics state?
I realize that my last question may seem more like a rant than a question...and actually, it is. I have had people here say (and I quote): "It's good to be contemplative" and "Some worship music is just too happy for me." Uhhhh what does "too happy" even mean when we are worshiping the Creator of joy? Deep thought is good...yeah. It is. I'll get back to that one in a bit.
Maybe I'm more of a charismatic than I thought. Perhaps my youth group (which, by the way, has plenty of teens who stand stock-still and barely sing for the most part while the worship team does a phenomenal job of trying to change that) was an exception to the rule of Midwesterners being required to stand with their hands by their sides during worship. (That was supposed to be a joke.) I never would have guessed that I would ever be considered one of the peppiest worshipers in a room. Seriously, just ask my middle school, jr. high, or high school leaders what I looked like during the singing time for most of my life. It was pathetic.
Okay, off the bunny trail. My story is over. (You're welcome, Connie:)
A'right. Back to the question about "too happy." In my opinion, worship should be a healthy mixture of both joy and pain. I have read articles by and talked to people who think that we should implement the lamentation psalms from the Bible into our lyrics more often. Well, I actually have seen a fair amount of that in the past couple of years. Just listen to "Need You Now" by Plumb and you've just been given a summary of half those passages. What really bothers me is that I don't see many people here at Northwestern openly celebrating the joy and freedom that we have in Christ. I promise I am not lumping people into one big group...I promise I am not assuming to know everyone's hearts. But something has been bugging me for a while now, and I am going to say it outright.
I am sick of the feel-good, emotional, low-lighted worship experiences that turn out to be just that--experiences.
Worship is supposed to be a 24/7 activity. It isn't humanly possible to do this, but our main goal in life is not only to love people...it is to give God honor and glory for every single thing that we ever do. While it is wonderful to have those emotional times when we immerse ourselves in deep thought during song, it is quite another beautiful sight to behold when we turn our eyes to heaven with joyful hearts and finally understand what we were made to do: sing praises to the God of love.
This week in P&W, we sang "Happy Day" after a night of slow, soul-searching music. Some people had just torn up sheets of paper with lists of struggles and sins that were being given to God. As soon as I realized what song was being played, tears sprang up in my eyes. It had been a virtually-dry night for me, spiritually speaking. "The greatest day in history..." triggered so many memories of a time that is now past in my life...of Amanda shaking the tambourine and moving to the music, of Victoria playing her violin with an intensity in her face that I so admire, of Brad and Logan trying to get people to make an "O" with their arms during the chorus, of Josh and Caleb and Bailey showing off their major guitar skills, of Travis going nuts on the drums. Most importantly, I was remembering (and celebrating once again) what those lyrics really mean.
I am pretty sure that this post is rambling like crazy. I don't even know how many of you read the entire thing. Not sure if that even matters, honestly. I have another rant...but I will save it since I am pretty sure that it is even longer than this one. Stay tuned for that this week.
I just want to sing happy songs sometimes. Is that really so bad?
Since the first month of school, there has been a growing dissatisfaction in my heart with the approach towards worship and the fellowship of believers (aka "The Church") that I have witnessed my classmates taking. Growing up, worship was viewed as giving glory and honor to God--whether through singing, ministering to others, praying, giving of tithes and offerings, etc. I haven't seen that modeled differently here, but the view of singing is different here. I was raised on a mixture of up-beat, occasionally cheesy worship songs; slow, contemplative ballads with normally-deeper lyrics; the rest of it was somewhere in between. I hated a couple of the over-played ones, but for the most part I loved it all.
The first full week at Northwestern was a bit of a jolt for me musically, to be honest. In the 9 months I have been here, I don't think we have sung more than a total of 20 up-beat songs in chapel and P&W combined. I'm not saying that I have a problem with that, but I do have a question or three regarding this style of praise and worship.
#1: What makes the slower songs more preferable to the worship leaders here (if it isn't for the feel-good moments that their lyrics and emotion are sure to bring)?
#2: Why is it that the more up-beat songs have been labeled "doctrinally-unsound" or "fake" more often than the slower ones (at least that is what I have been told)?
#3: Why the heck do we always have to be thoughtful and focus on Christ's sacrifice? I'm not trying to make what He did on the cross seem unimportant, but for Pete's sake--He's alive! We have been set free! Why aren't we shouting that from the rooftops like the cheesy lyrics state?
I realize that my last question may seem more like a rant than a question...and actually, it is. I have had people here say (and I quote): "It's good to be contemplative" and "Some worship music is just too happy for me." Uhhhh what does "too happy" even mean when we are worshiping the Creator of joy? Deep thought is good...yeah. It is. I'll get back to that one in a bit.
Maybe I'm more of a charismatic than I thought. Perhaps my youth group (which, by the way, has plenty of teens who stand stock-still and barely sing for the most part while the worship team does a phenomenal job of trying to change that) was an exception to the rule of Midwesterners being required to stand with their hands by their sides during worship. (That was supposed to be a joke.) I never would have guessed that I would ever be considered one of the peppiest worshipers in a room. Seriously, just ask my middle school, jr. high, or high school leaders what I looked like during the singing time for most of my life. It was pathetic.
Okay, off the bunny trail. My story is over. (You're welcome, Connie:)
A'right. Back to the question about "too happy." In my opinion, worship should be a healthy mixture of both joy and pain. I have read articles by and talked to people who think that we should implement the lamentation psalms from the Bible into our lyrics more often. Well, I actually have seen a fair amount of that in the past couple of years. Just listen to "Need You Now" by Plumb and you've just been given a summary of half those passages. What really bothers me is that I don't see many people here at Northwestern openly celebrating the joy and freedom that we have in Christ. I promise I am not lumping people into one big group...I promise I am not assuming to know everyone's hearts. But something has been bugging me for a while now, and I am going to say it outright.
I am sick of the feel-good, emotional, low-lighted worship experiences that turn out to be just that--experiences.
Worship is supposed to be a 24/7 activity. It isn't humanly possible to do this, but our main goal in life is not only to love people...it is to give God honor and glory for every single thing that we ever do. While it is wonderful to have those emotional times when we immerse ourselves in deep thought during song, it is quite another beautiful sight to behold when we turn our eyes to heaven with joyful hearts and finally understand what we were made to do: sing praises to the God of love.
This week in P&W, we sang "Happy Day" after a night of slow, soul-searching music. Some people had just torn up sheets of paper with lists of struggles and sins that were being given to God. As soon as I realized what song was being played, tears sprang up in my eyes. It had been a virtually-dry night for me, spiritually speaking. "The greatest day in history..." triggered so many memories of a time that is now past in my life...of Amanda shaking the tambourine and moving to the music, of Victoria playing her violin with an intensity in her face that I so admire, of Brad and Logan trying to get people to make an "O" with their arms during the chorus, of Josh and Caleb and Bailey showing off their major guitar skills, of Travis going nuts on the drums. Most importantly, I was remembering (and celebrating once again) what those lyrics really mean.
I am pretty sure that this post is rambling like crazy. I don't even know how many of you read the entire thing. Not sure if that even matters, honestly. I have another rant...but I will save it since I am pretty sure that it is even longer than this one. Stay tuned for that this week.
I just want to sing happy songs sometimes. Is that really so bad?
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Allow Me to Elaborate
Holy buckets, the past 48 hours have been chaotic. For those of you who have read my latest Cardboard magazine article, this post is especially for you. If you haven't read it, here ya go: http://cardboardmagazine.wordpress.com/2013/03/27/i-used-to-love-red/
When my friend and fellow staff writer told me to write a Cardboard article about how I was feeling about all of the Facebook crap that is currently happening, I opened up a Word document within five minutes. Tom told me to "channel my anger," so I did to the best of my ability. It all kind of spilled out in less than twenty minutes, leaving me to do a bit of copy editing and then email it to him. It's only been up for a few hours, and already people are reacting in varying degrees of anger, frustration, and appreciation. Awesome. :)
Since I don't think that Facebook is really a good place to discuss my intentions when I wrote the post, I decided to blog about it here, giving me the chance to edit it before putting it out for all of you to read. With that being said, allow me to elaborate.
College has taught me to think for myself, which is pretty much the point of this place. Unlike some people, however, I have discovered that my views are quite moderate on a lot of issues as opposed to becoming more liberal like some of my close friends or more conservative like I grew up with. On the issue of gay marriage and relationships, I do have an opinion. I am still going to avoid stating it, though, because that was never my purpose and I am not out to change people's views. All I will say is that I am not an extremist on this topic.
When I posted the link to my article on my Facebook wall, I got more of a response than I had expected. Usually when I post something that I have written, I don't really hear from anyone unless it is in a message or face to face. That is fine with me. So when I logged in tonight and saw that a couple of people were upset and offended by what I had written, it made me rather sad.
Correct me if I am wrong, but I do not believe that my article took either side more than the other. Part of learning to identify myself as a moderate (as well as having some dear friends at college who state their opinions openly on a regular basis) has been discerning when it is necessary to actually speak out about my own views. In addition, Professor Sowienski has taught me over the past 9 months that good journalists--especially when reporting facts--should try their hardest not to take a side. It has been a long process of editing, talking with my classmates who have become trusted friends, and editing some more. I am not perfect at it, but I can say that my reporting has improved immensely. I mean, let's be honest: my main strength has always been the personal essay, which requires you to express your opinion clearly and passionately.
With these things in mind, I ask you this: did I truly write things that take a side on this issue? My goal was to vent about how Facebook is not the proper place for such discussions, as well as to point out that just because you can re post a picture does not make you an activist for an injustice in the world.
Maybe this post is rambling--sorry if it is. What I am trying to say here is this: if I made you think, fantastic. If I made you uncomfortable because you realized that your approach towards this issue has been less than ideal, I'm glad. But if I offended you or made you uncomfortable because what I said appeared to be biased or slanderous towards another person, I am sincerely sorry and I want to apologize to you.
I hope this made sense and that it clears up some things for at least one person.
When my friend and fellow staff writer told me to write a Cardboard article about how I was feeling about all of the Facebook crap that is currently happening, I opened up a Word document within five minutes. Tom told me to "channel my anger," so I did to the best of my ability. It all kind of spilled out in less than twenty minutes, leaving me to do a bit of copy editing and then email it to him. It's only been up for a few hours, and already people are reacting in varying degrees of anger, frustration, and appreciation. Awesome. :)
Since I don't think that Facebook is really a good place to discuss my intentions when I wrote the post, I decided to blog about it here, giving me the chance to edit it before putting it out for all of you to read. With that being said, allow me to elaborate.
College has taught me to think for myself, which is pretty much the point of this place. Unlike some people, however, I have discovered that my views are quite moderate on a lot of issues as opposed to becoming more liberal like some of my close friends or more conservative like I grew up with. On the issue of gay marriage and relationships, I do have an opinion. I am still going to avoid stating it, though, because that was never my purpose and I am not out to change people's views. All I will say is that I am not an extremist on this topic.
When I posted the link to my article on my Facebook wall, I got more of a response than I had expected. Usually when I post something that I have written, I don't really hear from anyone unless it is in a message or face to face. That is fine with me. So when I logged in tonight and saw that a couple of people were upset and offended by what I had written, it made me rather sad.
Correct me if I am wrong, but I do not believe that my article took either side more than the other. Part of learning to identify myself as a moderate (as well as having some dear friends at college who state their opinions openly on a regular basis) has been discerning when it is necessary to actually speak out about my own views. In addition, Professor Sowienski has taught me over the past 9 months that good journalists--especially when reporting facts--should try their hardest not to take a side. It has been a long process of editing, talking with my classmates who have become trusted friends, and editing some more. I am not perfect at it, but I can say that my reporting has improved immensely. I mean, let's be honest: my main strength has always been the personal essay, which requires you to express your opinion clearly and passionately.
With these things in mind, I ask you this: did I truly write things that take a side on this issue? My goal was to vent about how Facebook is not the proper place for such discussions, as well as to point out that just because you can re post a picture does not make you an activist for an injustice in the world.
Maybe this post is rambling--sorry if it is. What I am trying to say here is this: if I made you think, fantastic. If I made you uncomfortable because you realized that your approach towards this issue has been less than ideal, I'm glad. But if I offended you or made you uncomfortable because what I said appeared to be biased or slanderous towards another person, I am sincerely sorry and I want to apologize to you.
I hope this made sense and that it clears up some things for at least one person.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Don't Ever Press the Brake
Sometimes I feel as if I am coasting. In fact, that is the exact terminology that I used when I was talking with someone recently about my life is going. I am no longer aching every second, nor am I longing to fix things instantly. As Aunt Julie once told me, "God is the Great Healer." Oh, don't I know it.
I can't believe I only have a little over a month left of my freshman year. I suppose I may as well face that now, since it is coming closer with every day. It has taken all semester, but I think I am finally accustomed to having my own room without the constant loneliness. Nonetheless, having a roommate next year will be very, very nice. :) If you combine that with the fact that my brother will be here next year, sophomore year sounds really exciting!
I just finished the first rough copy of my biggest story yet. The first issue of Cardboard magazine is coming out in less than a month, which I am super pumped about. My name will be in the table of contents at least twice, which is more than I ever imagined happening at age 19. Looks like all of those short stories that I wrote in jr. high and high school are finally getting me somewhere.
I said at the beginning of this post that I feel as if I am coasting. Well I do, despite all of the wonderful things that I just listed. I want to speak out passionately of my love for Jesus and about what He has done and will do in my life. I want to encourage other people to love Jesus and love other people with everything they are. I feel as if I am not working very hard at this. My concern is that, in coasting along, I may eventually roll to a halt for a time.
I don't want that to happen.
I don't ever want to press the brake pedal for any reason.
The moment that I stop even once is the moment that I am no longer showing Jesus through my actions.
Faith without works is dead...I don't want mine to look like roadkill.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
One Day at a Time
Well, break ended today...also, I turned 19. I find it rather fitting that I am trying to start over again on the anniversary of my birth.
The sharp pain inside of me has been lulled to a dull ache. It gradually grows a bit more calloused every day, and quite honestly that is a relief. I know it won't be gone for a long time...but I really needed this new beginning to be a bit easier. I had a talk with Connie on Sunday that was very comforting--nothing very new was established in my mind, but it felt so good to talk with someone who sees right through me just by looking me in the eyes. The time spent with just Ella was good as well--we had a couple of late night talks that helped to heal me a little bit.
I can't believe that I only have two months left in my freshman year. It's crazy and scary at the same time. At this point, I wish summer was a million days away. One day at a time...
God is so amazing. I can't freaking express that enough. The things that I have learned about myself in the past month completely blow me away. My prayer is that the next month or two is hopefully less painful and much more helpful spiritually and emotionally.
Pretty rare that I don't have much to say, huh? Cling to Jesus today, kids. I have learned the hard way that He is the only One who can stabilize your life. Oh, and He also happens to save your tears. How cool is that?
The sharp pain inside of me has been lulled to a dull ache. It gradually grows a bit more calloused every day, and quite honestly that is a relief. I know it won't be gone for a long time...but I really needed this new beginning to be a bit easier. I had a talk with Connie on Sunday that was very comforting--nothing very new was established in my mind, but it felt so good to talk with someone who sees right through me just by looking me in the eyes. The time spent with just Ella was good as well--we had a couple of late night talks that helped to heal me a little bit.
I can't believe that I only have two months left in my freshman year. It's crazy and scary at the same time. At this point, I wish summer was a million days away. One day at a time...
God is so amazing. I can't freaking express that enough. The things that I have learned about myself in the past month completely blow me away. My prayer is that the next month or two is hopefully less painful and much more helpful spiritually and emotionally.
Pretty rare that I don't have much to say, huh? Cling to Jesus today, kids. I have learned the hard way that He is the only One who can stabilize your life. Oh, and He also happens to save your tears. How cool is that?
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Beauty From Ashes
So the past week has been very rocky. I've had a fever since last Tuesday, and last Thursday was one of the worst days of my entire life...for reasons I won't go into detail about. What I do want to discuss are my thoughts on what I have been learning about myself this week...and what people who love me are trying to help me learn in the near future.
For exactly a week now, I have been walking around with a deep, dull ache in my heart and a heavy burden on my mind. Unlike other times when I have prayed about something, the weight did not leave when I gave it to God. It was as though my Father intended it to remain for a time so that I could keep digging. That last sentence sounds far more philosophical than I have actually felt this week. Maybe that's the problem.
See, I have been running for years from pain that I just can't seem to let go of. While I have forgiven the person who inflicted it, I never forgave myself for my role in the story, nor did I ever let go of the fear that something similar might happen again someday. Well, I've got news for everyone.
It happened this week.
Honestly, that is why there is such a deep ache inside my soul right now. I don't let go easily...that is partly a fault and partly a gift. That's what I learned about myself last night.
I also have a great deal of growing up to do. I am terrified to begin, and honestly, spring break could not be timed more poorly for the beginning of this process. Yet, maybe it will be better this way. Space for me to lay down the foundation for growth...time for me to grow a thin layer of skin over these fresh wounds. So much of my heart is screaming for things to rewind to August again...but I realize that God has a beautiful plan for my life--all of which is encompassed in the poor AND the proper choices that I have made since August 17, 2012. I have made a lot of each, and all of them have shaped me. It's time to examine what I have chosen to do with my life for the past seven months, and to decide what should be taken from it.
The reason that I am not in tears right now...the only reason that I am not feeling totally broken...is that God has placed people who care right in front of me. No matter where I turn, there is someone standing in my path, waiting to embrace me or counsel me. Whether it is at home for the next week and a half, here at Northwestern from March 13th on, or someplace that He hasn't revealed to me beginning in the spring of 2016...God is nudging people towards my life and whispering to me that it is going to be okay.
Last night, I was promised by one of those people that I would not be alone in my search to understand and grow. "You are never alone...we will be there for you every step of the way. There are people who love you." Perhaps that is why I am getting closer to being at peace with this pain. I know it isn't going to vanish or get better anytime soon, but I wouldn't want it to. I need this pain so that I have a reminder dangling over my head. Every time I am tempted to give up, I will remember this past week and all of the tears that have been shed. Every time I nearly check out, I will recall the night that I sat on the floor of my dorm room, sobbing in solitude with God as my only witness. Every day that I wake up with this memory imprinted in my mind, I will remind myself of last night when Hannah McBride gave me a hug and told me that we will get through this together.
So yes. My life has never been filled with so much pain...nor has it ever been so agonizing to sit in the same room as another individual without speaking a word about my pain. But my Jesus is going to make beautiful things out of these ashes that I call my life...He is going to redeem me in ways that I cannot fathom. This I know full well...this I believe with every ounce of my being.
For exactly a week now, I have been walking around with a deep, dull ache in my heart and a heavy burden on my mind. Unlike other times when I have prayed about something, the weight did not leave when I gave it to God. It was as though my Father intended it to remain for a time so that I could keep digging. That last sentence sounds far more philosophical than I have actually felt this week. Maybe that's the problem.
See, I have been running for years from pain that I just can't seem to let go of. While I have forgiven the person who inflicted it, I never forgave myself for my role in the story, nor did I ever let go of the fear that something similar might happen again someday. Well, I've got news for everyone.
It happened this week.
Honestly, that is why there is such a deep ache inside my soul right now. I don't let go easily...that is partly a fault and partly a gift. That's what I learned about myself last night.
I also have a great deal of growing up to do. I am terrified to begin, and honestly, spring break could not be timed more poorly for the beginning of this process. Yet, maybe it will be better this way. Space for me to lay down the foundation for growth...time for me to grow a thin layer of skin over these fresh wounds. So much of my heart is screaming for things to rewind to August again...but I realize that God has a beautiful plan for my life--all of which is encompassed in the poor AND the proper choices that I have made since August 17, 2012. I have made a lot of each, and all of them have shaped me. It's time to examine what I have chosen to do with my life for the past seven months, and to decide what should be taken from it.
The reason that I am not in tears right now...the only reason that I am not feeling totally broken...is that God has placed people who care right in front of me. No matter where I turn, there is someone standing in my path, waiting to embrace me or counsel me. Whether it is at home for the next week and a half, here at Northwestern from March 13th on, or someplace that He hasn't revealed to me beginning in the spring of 2016...God is nudging people towards my life and whispering to me that it is going to be okay.
Last night, I was promised by one of those people that I would not be alone in my search to understand and grow. "You are never alone...we will be there for you every step of the way. There are people who love you." Perhaps that is why I am getting closer to being at peace with this pain. I know it isn't going to vanish or get better anytime soon, but I wouldn't want it to. I need this pain so that I have a reminder dangling over my head. Every time I am tempted to give up, I will remember this past week and all of the tears that have been shed. Every time I nearly check out, I will recall the night that I sat on the floor of my dorm room, sobbing in solitude with God as my only witness. Every day that I wake up with this memory imprinted in my mind, I will remind myself of last night when Hannah McBride gave me a hug and told me that we will get through this together.
So yes. My life has never been filled with so much pain...nor has it ever been so agonizing to sit in the same room as another individual without speaking a word about my pain. But my Jesus is going to make beautiful things out of these ashes that I call my life...He is going to redeem me in ways that I cannot fathom. This I know full well...this I believe with every ounce of my being.
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